are you part of the revolution?

because i am. i recently devoured(punny) the hunger games by suzanne collins and the sequel catching fire. great books! ALL CAPS GREAT BOOKS! i gave them both 5 stars on goodreads. and i don't do that everyday. i can only think of one other book for sure.(are we friends on goodreads? we should be. be my friend.) fun, easy, clean, creative, adventurous, motivating and exciting. plenty to think about and to chew on(HA!). and katniss is my kind of heroine. tough as nails yet vulnerable. like scarlett o'hara.


i purchased my mockingjay pin today and i think that just about puts me over the top for a very youthful and very hip 29 year old wife and mother of two. i was a touch disappointed that the pin was so ugly. but for $3.50 that's what you get. it's delightfully tacky, just like hooters. and refined, just like me.

i encourage everyone to RUN(like someone is trying to kill you) to their nearest bookstore and purchase these books. especially since it took me 6 MONTHS on the waiting list at the library to get the first one. if i had known it was going to be this fantastic i would have bought it outright and not waited. now that you have been warned-ask for them for christmas! cancel your other plans and read. start planning your ideal movie cast. i want to play katniss.(surprise!) i am already planning my katniss everdeen halloween costume. it should be ready by april. perhaps i will wear it for my birthday. who will want to go out with me dressed like that? the mockingjay pin is just the first step. i already own adequate boots and pants. i also need an orange tunic and a bow and a quiver of arrows. and some arrow shooting skillz. and some selflessness and courage.

the final book comes out in august of 2010. i hope i can make it that long. i would hate to tragically die between now and then and miss that coming out. what a downer that would be.

i am my own worst enemy

a short list of things i said that i would never do:

1. make scarlett and me wear coordinating outfits. i still have flashbacks of puffy black gauze and hot pink sparkles and polka dots on early 90s style drop waist easter dresses that i wore when i was 11 and my sister was 7. but as i recall my mom said she got a "really good deal" on them. i think i've already used that line too much with scarlett(and thomas). yikes bikes :

*please note reagan's hand on scarlett's head. it's like he can't help himself. he's addicted to touching her head.

2. let my kid run around with no pants(or a really boogery nose and her brother's socks):

3. have colored lights on a christmas tree. AND not rearrange the ornaments the kids put up after doing a shoddy job. they have no innate sense of ornament balance. and the red lights make it look like a satan tree. it's killing me. it looks like the little tree that couldn't:

*it's a double threat, red lights and no pants. i'm sure there's a joke in that somewhere.

there are monsters at the end of this post

a week of gratitude. in no particular order.

1. three rivalry weekend wins.
courtesy of my husband:

rivalry weekend was good to us. alabama, georgia and byu all made it happen. and if any of those teams are taking requests, how about a nice blowout next year so i am not so stressed at the end of ALL THREE GAMES? and i am not talking diaper blowout. i've had enough of those, thanks. i was sick to my stomach by the end of the byu-utah game. i think i am developing a football induced ulcer.

2. thanksgiving morning flag footballit was cold, but the kidlets and i loved it. and i get extra points for being only one of two supportive wives that showed up. (ooh, does it burn?)

2.5. the nice boys who let my little reagan run around the field with them while they were playing flag football with some of the dads. reagan LOVED IT. it warmed the icy cockles in my chest where most people keep their hearts.

3. totally presh photo opportunities because thomas had the day off.
4. the sister missionaries. we were blessed to have the sister missionaries in our home for thanksgiving. i melted as soon as they came in our door. i felt like our holiday was suddenly complete. we were so blessed by their presence. i love them. sister card is from utah and sister sasaki is from japan. (guess which one is which!) i always wanted to be japanese when i grew up. hopefully there is still a chance.

5. my stinky kids. regardless of body odor, i just like them. love them, even. it was so nice that they wanted ME, the slob in the sweats and apron to be their chair. meatball even joined in the displays of affection.

6. parents that will take family pictures of my little clan. i want a nice family picture SO badly that i force my mom and dad to take pictures of us in these faux happy settings each and every time that we are together in hopes that perhaps this time might be the mythical good picture. i know it is a pain and i am the ONLY person in my family who truly enjoys getting their picture taken. and because of this, none of them turn out very well. but i keep trying. and i am grateful for my parent's photography efforts. (even if i alway have to crop my mom's fingers out of the final product.)

and yes, we are the monsters at the end of this post. i am grateful that i get to have these monsters in my life.

you don't have to admit you're blown away.

the midwest just plain rocks. i hope you all realize that by now. i had the opportunity to play tour guide to my dear friend natalie this past weekend. she was a good sport whilst i played, "this is my life" and showed her all the mundane aspects of my current goings on. and even better, she was unable to escape me when i displayed the pointless-to-anyone-not-me-aspects of growing up in kansas city. anecdotes about people she doesn't know were shared, drives to nowhere important were made, tours of a bygone era were observed, gasps of "this used to be a field!" or "i always thought this was the boonies!" were listened to. she was my captive audience. and i do mean captive. she couldn't get away.

friday we were blessed to visit the country club plaza for dinner and shopping and a movie with friends. unfortunately, no pictures, which is a crying in the night shame because we were looking as fly as all get out with heels and make up and brushed teeth and everything! we were the textbook definition of "flossin' ". we were able to take in a little art house indie flick called new moon(perhaps you've heard of it?). natalie LOVED it. she sort of gushed about it, which is unusual for natalie. she is completely shy and reserved and normally has a hard time articulating herself. speaking in front of others makes her blush and occasionally she will cry. frankly, it was embarassing. she likes to give the impression that she was unimpressed by the twilight saga and that she didn't even want to see this movie. there were a few times when i had to say, "natalie, please. calm down! jacob black/taylor lautner is underage!!!" she left her ticket stub here, and now i need to mail it to her so she can frame it and put it next to her wedding pictures and pictures of her children. (does sarcasm normally translate well in written form?) thomas also made the trip to new moon. but he didn't like it one bit. i think his quote was, "one of the top five worst movies i have ever seen." he doesn't mince words. but he is still so supportive of my interests!

saturday was chock full of site seeing. after natalie has the simpson waffle breakfast experience, we set out to see former america idol david cook's childhood home:

and we found it.

it happens to be across the street from my high school alma mater. we jumped around and screamed but it didn't look like mr. cook had left a light on for us. (OH! so clever!) ps-i have no recollection of david cook in high school. it's like i was too cool for him.

we then ventured onward and upward to the new gap generation store. the website claims that it was "more than a factory store" and i think they were right. more expensive and fewer markdowns. i need to give it a few weeks to reassess itself and the go back. i demand a lot from my bargain shopping.

gratuitous photo opportunities

after we got all that worldliness out of our systems, we ventured northward to the liberty jail historic site. fascinating and humbling all at the same time. let's just say that my make up was done. it's time in my life for me to purchase stock in kleenex.

after liberty jail we ate at los compas mexican restaurant, which according to the server, means friends. quite apropo! and we laughed till we cried about the time in college that we ate at that terrible restaurant in draper called guadalahonky's and they used to have a billboard on I-15 that said, "i get gas at guads!" and they weren't kidding! the fact that we hadn't bathed that day meant nothing at gudalahonky's! as reagan would say, "a beautiful stink!"

after that we said our goodbyes and natalie headed back to real life in the ATL. and i headed back to my real life in the KC. but those 24 hours suspended in college silliness and carefree friendship were rejuvenating and priceless!

and when i got home i saw that my darling family had picked out our christmas tree! i have a fast held belief that only white lights belong on christmas trees(someone else here doesn't agree) and i compromised by only putting a few of my lovely jewel toned ribbons on the tree. not naming any names, but marriage is all about compromise. holla for christmas!

sunday was the primary program in our ward. it is hands down my favorite sunday of the year. reagan diligently practiced his line and delivered it flawlessly. if i can brag on reagan's talents, he is a master memorizer. after his dazzling performance, he sang his heart out and entertained the congregation by picking his nose, double barrel style. lucky for him he was sitting on the front row so everyone was able to catch a glimpse. thomas and i laughed until we cried.

afterward grandma gave him a present to comemorate the event. i wanted pictures and this is what i ended up with:


why doesn't everyone love taking pictures as much as i do?

i scream, you scream

we all scream and then eat ourselves silly on cookie dough.

as a flawed person, i admit that i lose my cool and yell at the kidlets. i know others have blogged about it and that i am not alone. some days i just can't take the messes and their childishness. today was one of those days. after all the smoke had cleared and we all cried it out, i decided our only solution was to say to heck with dinner and we made cookies. glorious cookies.

time and food heal all wounds. according to the The Family: A Proclamation to the World, "successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work and wholesome recreational activities." making cookies makes me feel like i am in heaven because it encompasses so many of these principles. we had to repent and forgive in order for us to be able to work together. i had to apologize in order to regain a modicum of respect from my kidlets. i was able to love on them while the cookies were mixed by the mixer. it was a lot of hard work to refrain from eating all the cookie dough. we laughed and chatted as we spooned the cookies onto the cookie sheets. all was made better as we used goody baking as a medium for recreation and family unity.


the healing powers of cookies helped me even to laugh when i banged the cookie sheet against the side of oven(like i always do) and smashed all the cookies in a big heap. they still tasted like happiness and smiles. much tastier than snots and boogers and tears and contention.

"families are about love overcoming emotional torture." matt groening, creator of the simpsons

it's snot fun

we've been sick. and our pumpkins are a perfect gourd still life representation of how we feel.
thomas even missed work.
i've turned into a blob of phlegm.
reagan doesn't complain but just lays around with puppy dog eyes and pathetic expressions.
scarlett hasn't let illness slow her down. she's still rollin' with the homies.
meatball isn't sick, but he's been lying around and getting in the way more than usual.
and the national unemployment rate is 10.2%. really sickening.

indoctrinate early

every family needs to have words to live by, a proclamataion to hold them together and to unify them. at the casa de simpson, we have such a proclamation.

1. we indoctrinate early
2. we don't pay full price.
3. we don't cheer for florida, utah or tennessee, which brings us to sublaw 3.1. we don't wear orange and blue together and we make a concerted effort to wear black and red together.
4. we don't like cats.
5. the name ronald reagan is spoken in hushed, reverent tones.
6. we take halloween seriously.

i'm in charge of costumes:



thomas is in charge of pumpkins:

BATMOM-

avenger of messes,

lightning quick folder of laundry,

human receptacle of rejected lunches, cast-off jackets, socks and partially-licked candy.

superchic machine washable superhero uniform known for it's bionic stretchy waist band to hold in not so bionic mom stomach, booger and snot proof cape, arch supportive sneaks for leaping over incredible messes, and classy/flashy truth seeking mask that burns through lying children's souls.

be afraid. be very afraid.

i like the way i work it, no diggity

i cry a lot. A LOT. more than your average bear.
saturday, i ran in the kansas city marathon, the half-marathon portion. it was great. i thoroughly enjoyed getting up earlier than anyone else on earth to run on saturday mornings. i thoroughly enjoyed talking about running and my practice courses. i thoroughly enjoyed carb-loading. and milk chocolate chip loading. (did you know i have a chocolate chip eating compulsion? my hand is permanently cupped because of how often i am holding a personal stash of chocolate chips. it's bad. crazy bad. kanye west crazy bad.) and sometimes when i am running, i will tear up. i just love it. i love the feeling of freedom from running and i can't hold my emotions in.

the night before the race, i teared up whilst carb-loading. i was that excited. the morning of, i let a few tears slip out as i read the love/encouragement note from thomas. i pretended that i had allergies when i got into my car and heard that thomas had queued up one of my all time favorite running songs, "we run" by sugarland.

i got misty when i saw that this man had pulled his old letterman's jacket out to wear to the race so that i could more easily spot him in the throngs of people.

my vision was completely blurred because i saw this homeless looking person waiting for me at the finish line. (apparently, once you move to las vegas you forget how cold it is when you come back to visit kansas city and have nothing to wear but your brother's castoffs. never mind that we are having an unusually cold october.)

i cried when i saw my dad. it meant the world to me to see him there.

this was my running crew. we all rode to the race together and it was so great be a part of this group. i cried unashamedly when we said a group pre-race prayer. it's so nice to have friends you can pray with.

i had a fantastic time running MOST of this race. it was a real treat to run with a friend for a good part of it. carie and i matched paces for a good portion. she has a great stride and i could feel her pulling me with her. it's really nice to rely on someone else's strength. then i hit mile 8. and could tell that i was needed to refuel a touch. i slowed for some gatorade and then when i was trying to speed up again, i felt myself hit a wall. the dreaded wall!!! i should have just said to heck with electrolytes and kept going. it was terrible. my beautiful pace was gone. i was crushed. i cried out of sadness for the first time that day. my run turned ugly. like a robot dancing in glue. i was so angry that i wasn't going to reach my goal of finishing in under 2 hours.
but i kept on keeping on.
i eventually sped up a little. but i mostly just concentrated on finishing.

the effort is what is important. that i really tried.

practice makes permanent.

i can do hard things.

i tried to believe all that.

and i finished. i was a touch disappointed when i crossed at 2 hours 1 minutes 20 seconds. but happy to be done. i was feeling fine. i cheered other runners on. i enjoyed the race atmosphere.

i ate my snacks and guzzled my water. then i realized that i was cold. REALLY COLD. it was still only about 9am and the weather was in the 40s. i was wearing my cold weather compression pants but just a stretchy long sleeve t-shirt. and i sweated my guts out whilst running. my shirt was soaked and i was freezing. and then i didn't feel so well. then i felt really bad.

how bad? this bad:
this picture isn't a completely accurate representation of my illness as i would never wear such awful shorts and only dreamt of throwing up. that dream evaded me. but i was sick. blue lips. uncontrollable full body shaking. doubled over. that sort of crazy feeling where sentences are hard to form and you are wondering why there is a dancing gnome standing next to you. and i don't really remember the drive home. when i got home(how did i get home? i think thomas was involved. my hero. i do recall dumping a bottle of gatorade on my seat.) i took that awful frozen shirt off and crawled into my bed and thought about girl's camp and how to avoid hypothermia. and then i tried not to cry. after about an hour i was okay. but now i am going to invest in a cold compression shirt to match my pants. i have learned my lesson about running around like a fool with no hat and only a light shirt in cold weather.
and then i got online to check my official finish time:

1:59:57

three precious seconds!
so i cried some more out of happiness!

ps- my darling sister was in town this weekend.

we celebrated a happy early heatherween!

she's the best. and the kindest. and the most loving. she's the good sister. the righteous sister. the elinor to my marianne dashwood. and i miss her terribly.

breaking news story

local husband gets wife's walmart request exactly right on first try! all while wrangling two small children in tow. on a saturday morning! and the crowd goes WILD! and the wife goes WILDER!

life in suburbia will never be the same. unbeknownst to the husband, all subsequent trips will require this same level of perfection.

craftastic

last thursday i completed only my second ever homemaking/enrichment night***/relief society meeting craft ever. and it is probably the FIRST craft that i have ever completed that i actually look forward to using again or even just looking at. my crafting skillz could best be described as craptastic and i have a closet bursting with half finished and super ugly crafts and projects. it's like the island of misfits toys, but with a pathetic partially sewn garment bag, unstuffed deflated halloween pumpkins, stacks of partially finished greeting cards that i misspelled things on, hideous glass globe christmas ornaments filled with ribbon(i taught that class), a family home evening board that i made upside down and several incomplete hostess aprons(i also "taught" that class). the only thing i ever successfully completed was this ceramic snowman statue. and the only reason that i have kept it around is because thomas likes it. i have always wanted to take a hammer to it. U-G-L-Y. it ain't got no alibi.

and now i think that i will take a hammer to it.

presenting my completed craft!!! a beaded necklace and bracelet set:

one more time??? okay!

so proud. i think i may try and make some more. just for funnsies. and so that i can see if i can actually finish it on my own. attaching the clasps required a lot of attention from someone who knew what they were doing. and that person was not me.

ps- i hadn't showered in these photos. so greasy good.

***am i the only one who will miss that name enrichment night??? i loved the sound of that. even if the only enriching that i got was from chitchatting with friends and meeting new people and enriching my waistline with goodies.

doing what comes naturally

great things occurred this past weekend. me and the old man loaded up and headed down to fayetteville, arkansas to watch georgia kick the snot out of arkansas. one thing was for certain. if i ever have to hear 70,000 hillbillies yell, "sooie pig!" again in my life, it will be too soon.
i took a gratuitious amount of self-portraits. picture taking annoys thomas to death, but he obliged me on a few occasions. ps- i was having a KILLER hair day until it started raining. and then we had to walk 17 miles in search of a restaurant that we never found and i don't believe actually exists. that's what we get for getting directions from an arkansas fan. perhaps he thought i said trough?

we sat on the second to top row in the tip toppiest section of the stadium. we could almost see kansas city from our vantage point.
one thing occurred to me while we watched this game. thomas and i are not the same people we were when we met. some things will always stay the same, like me not liking to hear his uninspired opinions on what i am wearing and the fact that he will NEVER EVER in a million gabillion years listen to my excellent opinions on his fashion choices. one big change is the fact that i actually know what is going on on the football field about 90% of the time. i used to pester thomas mercilessly with questions about the game at completely inappropriate times. pretty soon he will be asking me my opinions about why i prefer a passing game to running the ball and why it irks me to no end that terrell owens doesn't get the credit he deserves. another big change has been temperament. thomas has always been the one who has had plenty to say to loudmouth jerky fans who sit around us at games and i was always the one concerned about not offending other people, even if they were super rude to us. but at this game, thomas sat (mostly) calm and made friends with a few of the arkansas fans around us while i had to bite my tongue until i tasted blood several times(and let one comment slip) when filthy, expletive-laden comments were directed towards me and my choice of team. the next thing you know, that whole TV thing is going to finally catch on and kids will travel to school on hoverboards and goldie wilson will take night classes and become mayor of hill valley(movie anyone?). will wonders never cease?

my darling thomas, happier than a jackass with a mouthful of briars. i love this picture so much that i think i am going to add it to my wall of fame pictures in my living room. i think this will make an excellent 16x20.

i was just as happy as thomas was because i knew we were headed to get some victory ice cream. i actually consumed ice cream on three different occasions that weekend. a delicious vanilla cone from mcdonald's on the way down, a small tub of cookies and cream in the car on the way back to the hotel after the game, and i consumed enough ice cream at my mom's house to feed a small army of kindergartners. i like football almost as much as i like ice cream.

sooie pig indeed.

hurray for girls

unfortunately for me and everyone within a 20 mile radius of me, sometimes i react poorly to good news. when i found out i was pregnant with scarlett, i cried. a lot and for a long time. i am quite embarassed to admit that. at the time, i had a plethora of what i thought to be well-founded reasons of why it wasn't the right time for me to be pregnant.
1. i deeply dislike maternity clothes.
2. i was attending spinning classes 6 times a weeks and was very close to becoming certified to teach.
3. i almost had visible abs. almost.
4. i liked sleeping on my stomach.
5. i was mad at thomas. he hadn't put a dirty dish back into the dishwasher to my exact specifications. (irrational anger is one of my tell-tale signs of pregnancy.)

my personal vanity had taken precendece over common sense and logical reason. i was like a pair of knee high platform boots. fun, but not very practical. i struggled with the fact that i needed to be a pair of ballet flats, still pretty, but not very adventurous. i couldn't grasp the fact that i could be the platform boots later and being a pair of ballet flats was what would bring me the most joy.

after a few days of moping and pouting, i was resting on my bed feeling sorry for myself. as i was staring at the ceiling, a sentence came to my mind, "pull it together. this is YOUR GIRL." since i believe that we all can receive personal revelation, that is what i took that prompting as. MY GIRL. i took my chastisement and i pulled it together. being that i am not very kid-friendly, or baby-minded, i shant paint a dreamy picture of ease and rapidly flattening post-baby stomachs and pathways of roses about being a mother. it's tough stuff. indeed the hardest thing i have ever done. but it has made me better.

after i had reagan, i was filled with the sense that i needed to be a better person. after i had scarlett, i felt strongly that i needed to be a better woman. i feel rage at what the world tells women and girls to be like. i do not believe that there is any strength in being promiscuous. i do not believe that there is happiness in selfishness. i know that true self worth comes from service and work and knowledge of our Savior Jesus Christ. i know that real power lies in being virtuous. i don't ever want scarlett to think that being crass and cheap is the best thing she can be. there is no freedom in making poor choices. i pray that i can instill this knowledge in my scarlett.
fortunately, though i am deeply flawed, i get to be scarlett's mother. what a blessing my darling littlebigmouth is to me. i have learned much. i know i still have much to learn.
last friday, a dear friend invited reagan over for a play-date and i was able to have some precious one on one time with scarlett. it was a dream. we went to target and looked at all the clearance clothes. we split a bag of m&ms most equitably. we had peanut butter sandwiches and bananas for lunch.
we took a walk around the neighborhood and blew a whistle and poked things with sticks.
we matched by wearing gray and brown dresses and metallic sandals.
i was even able to coax a "pretty" to stay clipped into her cat fur hair.


it was a pretty awesome day.
i like her. i love her. she makes me want to be better.

heidi and the horrible, terrible, no good, really bad week

since monday morning i have been a jerk. not just a jerk. but the jerkiest jerk of all time jerks. jerkier than homemade jerky in a RONCO food dehydrater. that jerky. everything that has gone on this week has felt like the utmost chore.

i guess i could blame it on my everloving cold that i have acquired, but that would be a cop out.

this morning, scarlett dumped an entire box of cereal on the floor as we were walking out the door. and not just any cereal, but frosted mini wheats. i had to leave the mess on the floor or we would have been late for our doctor's appointment. so, lucky for me, meatball came along and decided to help clean up. and now i am blessed with the most "regular" dog of all time. and then scarlett wanted to help clean up by eating the pieces on the floor that weren't good enough for the dog to devour.

and then i had to take the kids to the doctor. and that is just horrible in itself. reagan had to get FOUR shots and i was the one lucky enough to hold him down.

after the doctor it was off to the BANE OF MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE, WAL-MART. holy hell, i hate that place. and for some reason i was stuck holding scarlett's partially licked lollipop for the duration of our escapade until i could find a garbage can. in the meantime, said lollipop touched every surface of the store and my body, including my hair. and at one point the lolli was in my mouth.

but it hasn't just been today that i have been a master cranky jerk, it's been everyday. EVERYTHING is bothering me.


i have been awful to my darling and long-suffering thomas. he brought me a wonderful gift, a paula deen copper bottom frying pan, on monday and i was completely unappreciative and then i cried about how unappreciative i had been. and then i have been kicking him in my sleep. just because he hasn't been turning his alarm off in time.


and last night i had to put myself in time-out from the kids because i was getting so annoyed that they weren't "playing" right. the normally dulcet tones of my soft and soothing voice(lies that was all lies!) are now shriekier and more shrill than ever!


and yesterday morning when i came into the kitchen, scarlett says, "oh, no! here comes the witch!" which they actually call me all the time(thomas taught them that), but i wanted to shout, "I'M NO WITCH! I'M NICE!" but that probably wouldn't have been very convincing.


and my hair. and my face! and my whole goshdarn body! don't even get me started on those three! TRAITORS! they have betrayed ME! i don't want my hair even touching me and i only want to wear a gigantic muumuu so that my waistband won't cut into my stomach!

and my car is against me too! oftentimes i can just get in my car and listen to my favorite tunes to help relieve some of the stress but for some reason my cd player in my car has decided to hold all my favorite cds hostage. so no smooth sounds of james taylor or chicago or sugarland for me. and radio stations are a joke. the poor buttons to my radio can't take the abuse of my pummeling them because they are playing the wrong songs. if i have to hear "no surprise" by daughtry one more time... SURPRISE i might plow into another car in traffic.

and THEN, there was a man wearing a t-shirt with a lowLOWlow v-neck and i just wanted to shout at him, "it's a t-shirt, not a wrestling singlet! you're grossing me out man!"

and i can't even read or watch tv without my snarkiness getting the best of me. why aren't theres any tv shows or books where the bad guys win?! just once, i would like to see pete get the best of mickey mouse. that mouse gets EVERYTHING!

imagine what i would be like if i had real problems?

let there be fish!

of late, reagan has taught me about the power of prayer. oftentimes reagan's prayers have consisted of gratitude for cars, bwessing scarlett and daddy and meatball and uncle mark(i am conspicuously omitted) and bwessing the food, occasionally even at dinnertime. they are a typical four year old's prayer. however, recently reagan has shown a great propensity for suggesting that we pray about things that i would never have considered praying about.

example 1-

reagan's diet varies from reese's puffs cereal to slices of processed cheese to hot dogs and it is all washed down with a swig of chocolate milk. his elevated tastes do not exactly conform to the food pyramid. as a result, reagan can become "stopped up". on one particularly difficult day, reagan was sitting in his office, working on a memo and nursing a cup of chocolate milk. reagan was struggling to complete the task at hand. we had tried all the tricks of the trade; brownies, frosted mini wheats, bananas, grapes. none were to his liking. finally, in desperation, reagan suggested that we pray to be able to complete the task at hand. i chuckled at the idea, but i encouraged him to do so. great is the faith of a child. within minutes of the prayer, reagan was finishing up the paperwork and was running off to play. his prayer was answered.

example 2-

reagan has two particularly favorite cars from the movie cars. one is boost, one of the street racers and the other is chick hicks. being that i am secretly evil, i take great pleasure in reagan choosing the villain of the movie as one of his "besties". it does a mother's heart proud to have a child think outside the box. reagan usually carries these cars with him at all times. one day, as luck would have it, reagan had misplaced a favorite car and he was desperately seeking chick hicks. he searched in all the usual spots but he was not having much luck. he was bugging me to my wits end about it. after i lost my temper, he sweetly suggested that we pray to find chick hicks. i am oftened humbled by my children. first, because he answered so humbly after i had been so snappy, and second, because he once again suggested prayer. after reagan's quick prayer, i felt prompted to go look in the way back of my car. lo and behold, chick hicks was perched on top of the stroller, just waiting to be rescued.

example 3-

uncle bonecrusher took us fishing at the pond in my mom's neighborhood. while we were able to enjoy an unusually cool august day, we weren't having much luck catching anything. again, with no prompting, reagan prayed for fish. not 5 minutes later...

ps- i caught the biggest fish.

uncle bonecrusher is the bomb dot com.(and available, ladies!)

the house overlooking the pond. not too shabby. reagan's next prayer will be for our ward boundaries to be realigned so that they include this house and then we will inherit a gabillion dollars from some long lost relative and we will to move to this house. and then i will spend the rest of my time shopping.

the end.

the thud heard 'round the world

otherwise entitled,
the story of the crib jumping incident that ultimately heralded in college football season: a series of fortunate events

event 1: last thursday morning around 7am, i was making breakfast preparations when i heard a ton of bricks hit the floor in one of the rooms above. because the thud shook the house to it's foundation, i thought perhaps thomas had fallen out of bed. thomas normally is up and gone by breakfast time but on this particular morning he was still sleeping since he had worked until 4am(the law is a jealous mistress). i ran upstairs to check the commotion. scarlett's door was open and the little she-monster was stumbling around her room. this was a big shock to me because scarlett is a crib sleeper and had never made any attempts to climb out of her bed, even with all my crib-escaping lessons that i had given her in the past. from the looks of it, scarlett had somehow shimmied over the side rail and fallen on her face. she looked like sylvester stallone at the end of rocky 4 and and her verbal articulation was not much better than sly stallone in any movie he's been in. she was having trouble answering simple questions and she was struggling with using her arms and legs and her eyes kept rolling back in her head and she couldn't keep her eyes open. and all she wanted to do was lay down. so, like any sane person whose child was acting like a beached whale, i drove methodically and calmly her to her doctor's office because i knew they would see her faster than the ER. just the week before i while i was running, i saw the E! news True Hollywood Story about the death of natasha richardson due to a blow to the head, so i knew i couldn't waste time. it was a blessing that thomas was home that morning so that he could stay with reagan at home. after a quick checkup, scarlett was deemed truly indestructible and i was advised to just watch her for the day and to not let her sleep too long. the only prescription given by the doctor was to move scarlett out of the crib ASAP.
and as fate would have it, we received a letter in the mail from nebraska furniture mart regarding scarlett's crib, the very same day. we were informed that her crib was being recalled because it was a detriment for small children who want to stay alive. the letter also stated that we were to return said death trap to the store and we would be issued a store credit.

event 2: uncle bonecrusher is back in town for about 6 weeks! we all love when uncle bonecrusher comes to visit! he makes very mundane things every exciting because he is such a novelty to the kids! he's like a human jungle gym. i love having him in town because he is a faithful gym partner. it's so wonderful to work out with him and be able to blame any inadvertent gas passing on him. no one would accuse me of flatulence when my little brother is there with me, right?

event 3: saturday night, the whole fam damily loaded up and made an excursion out to nebraska furniture mart in quest of returning the death trap and putting our store credit toward a couch for the man cave. and if you've never been to nebraska furniture mart before, it is almost date worthy. it contains a small restaurant, a coffee shop, and 10 football fields worth of furniture, carpeting, home decor and electronics. we already had a twin bed for scarlett and we could think of nothing better to do than make our basement a haven for college football viewing. we were victorious. we scored an amazing deal on a very slightly used couch(we think it was repossesed) complete with cup holders and built-in massager.

event 4: this week, with the help of uncle bonecrusher, we did some furniture rearranging in the man cave. we moved the best tv downstairs and created our college football viewing arena.

unfortunately, this meant moving the heaviest tv known to man upstairs, out of the college football viewing arena. this particular tv was gifted to us a few years back and has served us well. at its creation it was entombed in a solid oak swiveling entertainment box and stand. this added about 400 pounds to the regular weight of the tv. it requires at least 2 people to move up and down our twisting basement stairs. also, because it is entombed in solid oak, it is as slick as an onion. at one point on the stairs, the tv slipped and came hurtling back down the stairs. because i was a bystander and not a mover, all i could do was stick my bionic arm out to feebly attempt to catch it. luckily, uncle bonecrusher sacrificed his body and stopped the tv from going through a wall. however, because of the great force of the tv, uncle bonecrusher's bionic bottom went through the wall.

event 5: the hole in the wall on the basement stairs is the most exciting thing that has ever happened to my poor entertainment deprived children. scarlett has stared in fascination at this hole as if it is the 8th wonder of the world(and if you think about it, it's way cooler than that horrible kimberley locke 8th wonder song, so scarlett is partially right). reagan has decided that the hole in the wall is a secret passage. and of course, it's also something for the kids to fight over. it's like a toy, but cost a lot less.

after further explanation to the children of what happened to the wall, scarlett has deemed the wall, uncle mark's poo poo. since that is a little embarassing, and she says it about 64 times a day, i attempted to teach her another phrase for describing the hole. using deductive logic she renamed it, uncle mark's bottom hole.

hurray for college football.

awesometown. more than just a name.

a list of a few of the awesome things taking up all our time.

awesome thing #1
my mom turned 35.


i made her a cake with twice as much frosting as the recipe called for.



awesome thing #2
the city has been ripping out the old gutters and putting in new ones.

the gruesome twosome have been mesmerized. it reminds me of when i was in college and they were putting in the huge new underground portion of the HBLL. i would sit mystified for hours(like i really spent that much time in the library) staring at the backhoes and dump trucks working. it was hypnotizing.



awesome thing #3
scarlett discovered my eyebrow waxing numbing cream. she decided it was lotion and rubbed it all over her body. hair, face, legs, stomach, everything. she was probably so numb that she didn't know she was in the bathtub.

awesome thing #4

the weather has been spring-like all summer. mostly 80s and low 90s. this is the coolest summer i have ever experienced 'round these parts. we have been able to play outside and enjoy taking walks in our wagon around our 'hood.

awesome thing #5
thomas turned 33. and he is just awesome in general.

even uncle bonecrusher was able to make it down from BYU-I for the occasion.

marky mark, thomas and my dislocated shoulder.

in case there was any confusion.


ring around the rosie-our homage to the black plague

beck speak term-blub

adjective(i ate so much that i am blubby), noun(a blub), verb(to blub it up) english origin

-what one becomes when you eat like we do- barbequed boston butt, shrimp n' grits, hangaburs with bleu cheese, root beer, chips and guac, peanut butter chocolate chip cookies, a peach pie, homemade chocolate ice cream, cookies n' cream ice cream and three and a half cakes in two weeks(one chocolate chocolate, one white with chocolate, one mini black and white smiley face cake and one piece de resistance: red velvet cake with a brownie layer and gobs of cream cheese frosting.)

blub-tastic

awesome thing #6

a special birthday quiz prepared in honor of big T.

Thomas’ Quiz on Culture

1. Thomas’ football position in high school and college?
a. center b. quarterback
c. h2o engineer d. tight end(very tight end)

2. Audio question: (a voice message from a true southerner on our answering maching)
a. Who is this person asking for?
b. What do they assume has happened?
c. Who do you think the caller is?

3. As a youth, Thomas’ brother had a small dog named O.J. What was Thomas’ dog’s name?
a. George b. Spurrier e. Count Chocula
c. Herschel d. Omelette

4. What was Thomas’ law journal article titled?
a. A Comment on an Inherently Flawed Concept: Why the Restatement (Third) of Agency Should Not Include the Doctrine of Inherent Agency Power
b. Why Can’t Martha Stewart Have A Gun?
c. Artful Prior Art and the Quality of DNA Patents
d. Judicial Faithfulness or the Wandering Indulgence? Original Intentions and the History of Marbury vs. Madison

5. Name Thomas’ favorite movie.
a. O Brother, Where Art Thou? b. Top Gun
c. My Cousin Vinny d. Deliverance

6. Which Southern-themed movie always makes heidi cry?
a. Steel Magnolias b. Deliverance
c. Gone With The Wind d. Smokey and the Bandit

Southernisms matching: Translation/definition portion-

7. Jeet yet-
8. Hangernade-
9. Fixin’-
10. Showin’ her bottom-
11. Damyankees-
12. Farn-
13. Bob war-
14. Gubmint-
15. Bless her heart-
16. Jewhere
17. Lemme tell-ah sumpin-
18. SEC-
19. Awl-
20. Po-lease
21. UGA

a. I’m about to express my strong opinion on the matter

b. Person residing somewhere North of Richmond and West of Little Rock (or South of Jacksonville, FL)

c. Type of metal fencing adorned with small, sharp metal prongs; used to restrain livestock

d. The greatest conference in college football

e. Have you eaten anything?

f. Every one of you

g. Person who either was not born in the U.S. or whose parents, grandparents or great-grandparents were not born in the U.S.

h. Tactical field explosive; activated by removing a small pin and lobbing in the direction of the target

i. She is an idiot (or the thing she did was remarkably stupid)

j. About to; on the verge of beginning

k. Young girl’s demonstration of unruly behavior

l. Entity exercising political authority over a geographic area (always used pejoratively)

m. Law enforcement authorities

n. Have you heard?

o. Majestic and Regal college football mascot that frequently appears at wedding receptions, gentile baptisms and some funerals

answer key-1. A 3. C 4. A 5. B. 6. A 7. E 8. H 9. J 10. K 11. B 12. G 13. L 14. I 15. N 16. A 17 D 18. F 19. M 20. O